My Anxiety

My anxiety consists of having a hard time talking with people I don't really know and public speaking. When I get anxious my body usually reacts like I get really hot, my body starts shaking, my heart beats hard and fast like my whole body feels it, pits start sweating, tears fill behind my eyeballs, and if I ever needed to talk it would come out very quietly, shaky, or whatever I said wouldn't make any sense. I never went to see if I really had an anxiety disorder, or went to get diagnosed by a specialist, but I was having issues with a teacher (at the self directed high school I attended for 2 years you had to go see your teacher yourself during the day since it wasn't a structured schedule based school) because I never went to talk to her. I went to see her because she contacted my teacher advisor and he kind of made fun of me in front of the whole class during morning check in. He called me and I went up to him in front of the classroom and he said, "So I got a note from one of your teachers saying that she's never seen you so far this school year" At at this point it was already the end of October, two months since school started. Once he said this I already started shaking. He continued by saying, "Do you have any idea of who this teacher is?" and I thought to myself because I actually had more than one teacher I haven't really went to go see, but I took a lucky guess. "Is it _______?" (I didn't type out her name for privacy reasons) And he burst out laughing and said "You're correct!!! And why haven't you gone to see her?" And I said "She kinda scares me" and I let out a little nervous giggle as if this wasn't a big deal. He continued laughing and said, "Really? _______ is scary to you?" (He was talking REALLY loudly at this point). I nodded and looked around the room and everyone was kind of looking at me. The girl who sat beside me started laughing too. He continued by saying, "You're not in kindergarten anymore. Grow up." In the most serious tone ever. At this point I felt hot, my heart was beating so fast and so hard it felt like my body was vibrating from head to toe, I could feel my arm pits and forehead get sweaty, I could feel the tears ready to come out and flood the whole room, I could feel my body giving up because this was too much for my brain to take in. All this embarrassment, I felt like I was going to burst into tears, or faint before I explode. After O Canada, prayers and announcements, he said, "You'll be seeing _______ first period today. You know how I know?" And I just shook my head. He starts laughing and he practically yells, "Because I'll be going with you!". I was ready to break down. I noticed that _______ isn't going to be on floor, or isn't available first period. I waited until everyone left the room and he asked me, "Are you going to see _____?" And I said "yes, but _______ isn't on floor first period, but she's on floor third." And he said "okay, do you want me to go with you?" And I said "It's ok" And I left that room and found my friend, and I just started crying in the hallway. I pulled her to this "no so secret but secret" place that no one usually goes to aka basement washroom, and I just bawled my eyes out so hard and told her everything. We ended up leaving the bathroom and I spent the next two periods in the English department with my head down. 

Friends usually help me deal with anxiety

Third period came and I made my way to see her, but I knew if I went to see her I'd start crying. So I waited until the last few minutes of the period and I forced myself to walk over and face her. I said "Hi" with the most shaky I ever heard my voice before. And she said, "Oh, hi Angela, I was expecting you." And then I covered my mouth and started crying again. The bell rang for lunch and we went to a separate room to talk. We just talked about how I felt about talking to people. She already knew I was "scared of her" because my TA emailed her right after morning TA, probably about what I said and that I'll be seeing her. She told me I probably have a little bit of anxiety and I should see the guidance councillor about it and that she'd write an appointment for me. I saw my TA again during after lunch check in, and he asked me if I went and I said yes. I saw him again during end of day check in and he asked me again if I went to see her, as if he totally forgot he asked me already. I said yes again. Then he went on saying, "She emailed me saying that you came at the end of the period and she didn't have much time to talk to you." I didn't say anything. "When you consult with a teacher you shouldn't go last minute. I said "Okay" and left to go back home. After that day, during the drive to school e v e r y  s i n g l e  morning, I'd feel like throwing up, crying, like I was running out of air, I'd start shaking from head to toe, thinking of making up an excuse to my dad that I wasn't feeling well and I'd stay in the car on our way back, but I never did. But I actually missed a lot of school that year because I'd tell my grandma I wasn't feeling well, which wasn't a lie, because I wasn't mentally well. I was afraid every morning, that my TA would call me out in front of everyone again. But by the time it was May - June, I was okay with going to school. Crazy how something that wouldn't be a big of a deal to someone else affected my mentality for about 7 months. I still got anxious in the morning, but it wasn't to the extent of where I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.

I'll continue this story in part 2 another night... thanks for reading! :)