Everyone has or is struggling with their own self image. Personally, I have at times throughout the 16 years of my life. I used to never really have an issue with the way I looked in elementary school. I was only teased by some girls about how I had a flat chest, but that was it. I just told my sister about it and I never really cared because I was like 10 at the time. High school rolled in, and one of my friends said I didn't have eyebrows. I kinda laughed it off and never really thought of it like that. I was always okay with how I looked. I used to never wear make-up or care about the way I dressed. My go to outfit was always a hoodie and jeans. In the morning I used to get up, brush my teeth, shower, get dressed and get to school. I never noticed how I "didn't have eyebrows" until that comment, since then I'd always get teased about it, and I would joke around as well even tho I would low-key feel sad for myself. I started learning how to fill in my eyebrows in 9th grade, but wouldn't wear it at school because I thought I looked weird. At the end of 9th grade I got my mom to pluck my eyebrows, it was painful, but it was something I thought I needed to do. My brows were more visible after because there was a shape vs before, they were sparse and weren't visible.
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| Grade 9 - After I got them plucked |
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| Grade 8 - Before I plucked my eyebrows |
Aside from my "eyebrow issues", I was struggling with the clothes I wore in 9th grade. I would wear the same old purple sweater all the time with jeans. At first it's what I used to like to wear but now I wanted to wear different clothes. I kept wearing the same thing because I would get really anxious if I wore something different, because I would think people would judge me. But people actually judged me for wearing the same sweater all the time. I ended up pushing myself to wear what I wanted, and that anxiety went away... slowly. Back to my eyebrows struggle, the middle of 10th grade, I got annoyed because every time I would take a picture of myself, or someone would take a picture of me, I didn't think I solved my "eyebrows problem" I didn't think my eyebrows were visible enough. My friends would tell me to fill in my eyebrows. So I would fill them in lightly every now and then. I started wearing it more often, and one of my friends that always tease me about my eyebrows asked why I wear make up, and how it's expensive and that I shouldn't wear it, I don't really remember what I said back, but all I know is that I still continued to wear make up. When 11th grade rolled in, and I basically fill them in every single day now. I'd also wear eyeliner or mascara. Days where I'd stay at home, and I wouldn't wear any makeup, or when I take off my makeup at night, I'd look at the mirror and think how ugly I look. How different I look. How bare and naked my face looks. How if anyone I knew walked in on me without makeup, I'd feel embarrassed. I'd avoid looking in the mirror all day because of how unpleasant I feel looking at myself. My sister even said I looked really different since she's used to seeing me with filled in eyebrows and lined eyes. I replied, I know I look really ugly, like I mean, I don't even wanna look at myself. I said that with the most serious voice. And she replied, Why? Don't think that. After that I realized what I've become. I ended up hating how my real face looks like. At first it was to please others, but in the end it's also to please myself. So I'd blend in with everyone. I would look at old pictures and think ugly, ugly, ugly. I would look at pictures from the beach last summer and think ugly, ugly, ugly, I'm never going swimming without waterproof eyebrow makeup. I'd look at pictures of other girls my age or younger and ask myself why do they look so good, why do I look like a 12 year old, but 12 year olds look my age?
People around me don't make me feel good about myself sometimes. They would scroll through Instagram and ask everyone to rate this person. I'd usually go bms or 10 because I don't even like rating first of all. Then they would list all their flaws. And they would list those flaws and think about my flaws. I think everyone is beautiful, and seeing these 50 times more beautiful people get their beauty looked down on, I look at myself, and think how 50 times more uglier I must be. They would say, her eyes are too small, her lips are too thin, she doesn't have boobs, or a butt, she looks like a pole. I would look at myself and think, my eyes are smaller than hers, my lips are pretty thin, I look like a damn pole. Insecurities invade my thoughts and I would give an obvious sad look, and they'd notice and say no you're pretty Angela, don't worry, you have a butt. And all I could think is if I never met these people, and they come across a picture of me somehow, all the flaws they would point out. I honestly make fun of my friends to their face and they would do the same back, but I wouldn't say it behind their back. It's so frustrating comparing yourself to everyone else everyday and thinking how not as good looking as you are to everyone else.
Growing up Filipino, their ideal beauty is someone with fare white skin, and I tan easily. So my parents would tell me to sit in the shade for recess, or not to play outside during the summer because my skin gets really dark. From everything that has happened in the world, I never really care about anyones skin colour, so why should I care for mine. I decided I shouldn't care about the colour of my skin, and embrace my tanned skin. I posted my status All skin colours are beautiful. And a friend commented and yet you want to be white. Yes I wanted to have fare white skin just to fit in with this Filipino society's expectations, but I just want to embrace being tan, Filipinos are naturally tanned too, so I'm a natural Filipino and I'm proud to be one.
Beauty isn't what society's expectations of how an ideal woman/man should look like, beauty is being good towards other people, and being good to yourself. I just wish we lived in a world without judgement. Only God can judge us. :(
[CONFFESSION]
I balled my eyes out typing this blog post lololololoololol
