Excluded Person Pleaser

Growing up I knew I am a person pleaser. I want to please everybody. I wanted everyone to like me, but I grew up being excluded from the people I wanted to be with. In kindergarten, I was excluded by the girl squad for reasons I'll never know. These girls just picked on me for some reason. They would brag and say that they are in senior kindergarten and I'm not, that I'm in junior kindergarten, basically saying I am lower than them. (But we were all in junior kindergarten). They also didn't let me play with them because I didn't have this certain "Polly pocket" toy as them. All I wanted was to play with them, and be with the girls. Because they didn't accept me, I hung out with the boys in the class a lot. The boys said girls have cooties and are too girly, but I was an exception. During recess one day, the girls were chasing after the guys for some reason. The girls called me to help them chase after the guys and as soon as the opportunity came up, I took it. The guys questioned why I betrayed them, and I just said sorry. Like it was something I needed to do, for myself. Eventually this girl squad broke up, but I was still a lone until everyone matured and became friends with one another.

Growing up, my grandma "babysat" kids that went to my elementary school before and after school for a few hours. All of them were my older sisters age, or older. My older sister is two years older than me by the way. They all excluded me because I was too young. I was in grade 1 at the time, and I enjoyed watching Dora. Whenever Dora would come on, my grandma would let me watch it and all the other kids would just wine and cover their ears because they hated Dora so much. They had this club where they would tell stories and just hang out. I wanted to be in the club but they said once I turn grade 3 I could join. 2 years later I asked if I could join their group. They said once you turn grade 5. At that point I gave up and was on my own a lot, even though sometimes I would find a way into the club physically. I just didn't want to be left out, I wanted everyone to like me. Some of the kids were nice and talked to me sometimes, but the group overruled them.

Most of my childhood is a blur, but somehow I still remember some of these details...

Trip to the waterpark back in the day.

Still being a person pleaser today, I get really anxious being around someone I think doesn't like me. Even if they don't not like me, if my mind tells me they do, then I believe it, and I just get really nervous around them. Like I have to be conscious of my every move. One little mess up and I feel like it's over for me. I do understand that not everyone can like you, it's just that when someone doesn't like me, I just feel looked down on. Like I'm doing everything wrong. It's frustrating.

An incident that happened recently is that I had a religion test the other day. I studied, but I think I did okay. The day after I did my test, my teacher started ranting in the beginning of class, starting with, "I love you guys but...". You'd think, everything she says next, will not change how she sees us. Maybe it doesn't change, but to me, it changes how I see myself and how I see my teacher see me. She continued by saying how a lot of our short/long answers didn't make sense, and how SOMEONE miss spelled Gandhi. This was a full on RANT she did during this class. I mean, I really like this teacher, but this rant scared me to death. It triggered the anxiety that I hid since I left my old school and got my stuff together at this new school. I'm that type of person who will miss spell the important stuff. I'm terrible at spelling. Once in 7th grade we were doing a test on the Outsiders novel, and I miss spelled JOHN. I spelled it J H O N. The thing is with this test, the name Gandhi was already spelt in the question. I know you're thinking, "How do you know it's you?" I know it's me because every time she rants about something she looks at me, and this time she looked at everyone BUT me. And she said that she just started marking a few of the tests, and I did my test late because I was away on the day of, so my test would have been on the top. I'm not sure if it was really me, but I have a gut feeling it is me. I'll update this if it was me... You might think it's harmless, but to me this feels like this teacher now hates me. And I don't EVER want to be on the bad side of a teacher. Because of her rant I can't get it out of my mind, and it's killing me. I'm terrified of going to school tomorrow, finding out it was me, and I'll just never be the same in religion class again. I will never feel the same.

I know I might sound dramatic, but this is how I feel. I don't know why I'm so nervous and freaking out from this little spelling mistake, even to most people they wouldn't care, but to me its a big deal... I just don't want anyone to hate me for any reason.. It just makes me very sad, and I just feel like I can't face this person anymore.